April 5th

Today while travelling on the 33 bus from Kingstanding to Birmingham City Centre I passed an establishment which bore a massive sign reading...

The Hand of God – unisex hairdressing salon.

And Lo,
here is our Lord
giving short backs and sides
to the populace
making up new commandments
to do with frizz ease
and misuse of shampoo;
cutting, crimping, chipping in
with spiritual guidance,
allowing himself
occasional whispers
into ears as he’s clipping.
“My son died for your sins.”
is known to encourage
generous tipping.

April 4th

On being reincarnated as a ringlet

Eric emerged to find he was small
uniformly brown almost black
destined to live in damp woodland rides
inflicted with a slow and feeble flight.
He warmed his wings – paused for thought
by-passed the brambles
headed straight for St John’s Wort.


NB A ringlet is a butterfly.  I'm not suggesting that Eric came back as a curl of hair!

April 3rd

I think today's effort is a song...

The song of the live-a-board boater

I’ve grown a three foot beard
And mi missus has too
I’ve got accidental dreadlocks
And mi freckles are blue
(Splash back from the Elsan)
But what can we do?

CHORUS
I’m a live-a-board boater
And I certainly ain’t posh
I never change mi clothes
And I hardly ever wash

I’ve not had a bath
Since 83
If you see something jump
Well it could be a flea
Probably off mi dog
But it might be off me

CHORUS
I’m a live-a-board boater
And I certainly ain’t posh
I never change mi clothes
And I hardly ever wash

The wife’s inside
Ragging a rug
Wanna by a mushroom
I made it out of wood….To be continued!  Maybe.

To be sung to the tune of 'Mind my lurcher; he won't hurtcher' (trad)

PS  I can say all these stereotypical things because I am a live-a-board boater.  I scrub up OK for gigs though (usually with a yardbrush) should anyone wish to book me.

PPS  Would you trade soap and water for a view like this?

April 2nd

"Don’t just write
For the literate few –
Write for babies
And animals too"


says Adrian Mitchell

Well, that seems like good advice...so here's my attempt...



Poetry - Doing it Doggy Style (plus translation)


Woof Woof
Arf Arf
(Pedigree Chum)


Arf Arf
Woof Woof

(smell my bum)

April 1st

A poem a day throughout April is the challenge.  I must say I've been working as a visiting poet in schools and I think I may still be in kiddy mode!

Ms Onomatopoeia Conducts the Rhyme School Band

Ms Onomatopoeia
waves her baton.
Ms Onomatopoeia
has a sound proof hat on.
“Girls and boys
Let’s make some noise!”


ring a ring ring
screech screech screech
ting a ting ting
boom boom boom
ching a ching ching
crash crash crash
bang a bang bang
bash bash bash
hoot toot hoot
clash clash clash


ring a ding screech ting
boom a boom toot ching
bang a bang bash
hoot clash CRASH!


Ms Onomatopoeia
waves her baton.
Ms Onomatopoeia
has a sound proof hat on.
“Girls and boys
Let’s make some noise!”

Professor Vyle was out of the cupboard again for a trip to Chester. I had a fabulous night with the Chester Group WI. An audience of about 55 women so a cracking turn out. They were a warm and friendly audience. I judged the puppet competition! And they gave me cake and chutney to bring home (and damn fine the chutney tastes let me tell you). It's all made me think I ought to get out there and actively search out some gigs. I still would like to do a run of Professor Vyle shows and let it develop further. I did have a lead for a gig at the Giffard in Wolverhampton but nobody got back to me about it. I've also got another gig in the pipeline in Bilston.

Anyway that leaves 1447 people to perform to after last night. If the turn outs were all as big as last night then that would mean another 27 gigs to do LOL.

Did Professor Vyle as part of Audlem festival at the end of May. What a great little music festival it is too. I really enjoyed the whole weekend. There were about thirty people in the audience so that is 1,502 people left to perform too! The best bit of the show was when the door at the back of the hall opened and the village bobby came in just as I was about to deliver the line..."police brutality and a very near fatality!". Laugh. I didn't know were to put myself. The timing was superb though. He took it all in good humour; very nice chap and a mean photographer. His work was on display in the Audlem Mill Shop.

Well, I've been busy writing a new show which was put on at the Arena Theatre in Wolverhampton just before Christmas. It seemed to go off OK. Professor Vyle made two outings in January, one at Sneyd School and the other at Newhampton Arts Centre. A total of 140 people watching the show so the running total now comes down to...big drum roll...1,532 people left to perform to in order to hit my original target number of 2,000!